Baby blues or I’ve got too much time on my hands

You may, or may not, have noticed that my posting has been erratic lately… well, I actually have a valid (ish) reason this time. My kids started preschool last week. Scuola Materna, is what it’s called in Italy (translates directly into maternal school, which I think is kind of cute), and, though not mandatory is still when most Italian kids start school. So it’s a very emotional time. Very emotional. It gets even more emotional when you’re set to get your period. I’m just saying. So, the Girl, who’s turning three in November, started Scuola Materna this year (the Boy started last year) and I officially don’t have any babies in the house any longer. Or such is the sentiment that’s been pervasive in my mind all week…

Kissing her brother goodbye

She was very grown up about it, on Monday and Tuesday she went by herself, then the “big kids”, her brother included, started on Wednesday. She only cried once, and she was very proud of her new school smock (which they wear over their clothes at Scuola Materna, so it’s kind of like a uniform, but not), and she was thrilled to go to “the big kid school”. I, on the other hand, have been sniffling all week.

walking to school

in the classroom with her smock on, looking a bit sad…

When I had the Girl I assumed we would have more babies, then the husband got sick and now we would have to be highly motivated to have more babies if we wanted them. We can’t have them the traditional way (wink, wink) anymore, and though we do have a vial of “material” sitting around in a sperm bank somewhere, we’re not sure any of us would survive me having to go through all the hormones that come with assisted fertilization. I can barely deal with the hormones my own body produces.

So the Girl starting preschool this year, made me face the fact that maybe we’re done with babies, and I’m not sure I want to be done with babies. Okay, so she hasn’t actually been a baby for a while, she was a toddler, but you know what I mean right? She’s started on the long road to independence from me, my mornings are free, they’re out of diapers (during the day), I can sell my strollers, I don’t have babies anymore. Am I ready not to have babies anymore?

both of them off to school on wednesday in their smocks

I would have liked to go through my last pregnancy knowing it was my last pregnancy… sounds ridiculous, I know. What with so many people not being able to have kids at all, and others with more kids than they can handle, I’m sitting here whining, when I already have two, and a boy and a girl at that. I’m pretty lucky.

I’m just not sure I’m ready to close up shop, by the same token though, I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m ready to start again, with the added hassle of ivf… how confusing. Of course, I had no guarantee of having more babies even if the husband hadn’t gotten ill, but now I know for certain I won’t be waking up one morning wondering why my period’s late, and that makes me a little sad. And yeah, maybe I’m being excessively self-indulgent, maybe I’m making it more complicated than it actually needs to be, but still, sometimes I feel like I’m mourning the babies I didn’t get to have.

8 thoughts on “Baby blues or I’ve got too much time on my hands

  1. My oldest also turns 3 in November but I haven’t sent him to the “Ecole Maternelle”. We will see how that goes in January for us. I am at the same crossroads, I want another but do I really want another (my youngest is 9 months so I mean in the future). I honestly wish that I had known my last pregnancy if it was my last one I would have tried harder to be “in the moment”. Oh well. All this to say – I understand!

  2. I completely understand. My baby is now 3. Only thing is now I have no baby donor aka husband. I now look at strangers and think: I wonder if he would just give me a baby. I’m crazy, I know, but no one told me my 3 year old would be my last and I wanted more. Such an emotional feeling. I’m trying to appreciate the “boy” and “girl” I do have.
    Your children are beautiful!

  3. Oh, sweet post, and I can understand. It’s a huge step! Me right now, I am so happy to have two and be done. I cannot bear the idea of being outnumbered. These two are as much as I can handle. And I never have to be pregnant again!!!

    Big hugs to you.

    • That’s mostly my husband’s sentiment, being outnumbered… and honestly sometimes I see his point, especially when I imagine doing stuff like crossing the street with three kids… I’ve only got two hands…

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