I just did something so completely out of character that I’m still a little breathless. I won’t say what, because it’s personal and private and very close to my heart, but I can’t help but comment on it. I hope that writing about it, however vaguely, will help me calm down, and stop freaking out and hyperventilating every time I think about it.
I’ve never, not once, been able to do anything, or if I’m being honest, even think anything, without eventually blabbing to someone. I’m a talker, a sharer, I can’t keep a secret to save my life. I have no problem keeping other people’s secrets, but my own? I might as well make wikipedia pages of them.
But this thing, this silly little thing that I did, it makes me happy, and not having anyone know makes me even happier, mostly because I don’t want to hear anyone’s opinion, or criticism, or shocked what the hell comments. I did what I did for myself, and I’ve realized that doing things, even silly, stupid, possibly immature things that I would never admit to, not In a million years, just for me, makes me happy, makes me calm and relaxed, and puts a secret smile on my face. I feel like I did at those two moments in my life, when I took the pregnancy tests and I had this huge, beautiful, life altering piece of knowledge that no one but me knew about, my secret and no one else’s.
I think of the possible scenarios that could unfold as a result of my actions, some are embarrassing, some are hurtful, some are wonderful, and though I know that a part of me did it to get that wonderful result, the rest of me realizes that there will likely be no results at all, other than the fact that for now, I’ve got a delicious secret and it’s all and only mine. I don’t know how this will unfold, if at all, but what I can tell you is, if there’s something you want to do even if it’s something that you won’t admit to, do it, do it for yourself, and then keep it to yourself, because we’re allowed to create our own mystery, our own secret world, our own sense of excitement, even if no one else is involved.