Blessings aplenty

2016, you’ve been a hell of a year.

I’m trying to stay optimistic, my friend, but I won’t lie, I’m not too sad to see the end of you. I’m sitting in the hospital right now, literally just waiting for my grandmother to die, and I’m wondering what the problem is. Is it my attitude? Am I concentrating too much on the negative? I see and appreciate my blessings, I do. I’m a lucky gal. I was born in a time where women have more rights and protection than ever before, in Europe, to a wealthy family. I grew up in America. I got a great education. I’m blonde, with nice eyes and good genetics, I’m not so beautiful that I’m intimidating or annoying to other women or a target of obnoxious men, but I’m just pretty enough that people are nice to me, and respectful and they listen when I speak, and though it’s hard to admit it, it makes a difference. I’m healthy, I lack for nothing, I’m financially independent and I have the security of knowing that thanks to my background and education I will always be able to support myself. I have two beautiful, healthy, children.

I see the balance in my life and even when I look at the negative, I still see the positive. I miss my father, who’s been dead for ten years, but I had him at my side during many of the most important times of my life, he saw me graduate from university, he saw me married, he never met my children but I know he looks on and protects them from above.

I miss my husband, I hate the separation, I’m lonely and worry that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, but I realize we didn’t love each other like husband and wife anymore and we both deserved better. He was the great love of my life, and even though he’s not anymore, I had that, not everyone does. He gave me two beautiful children and he’s a fantastic father and a wonderful, supportive friend to me. His leukemia came back again this year. That was tragic. But he is still here, miraculously, he’s with us and he’s relatively healthy, and it’s so much better than we expected.

I’m in the hospital, my grandmother is dying, I had to leave my children on Christmas day to fly out to Brazil. But I could afford to fly out at a moment’s notice, I have a support system to help care for my children, and my grandmother is two months shy of her 107th birthday. She has lived a good, full life. She has experienced tragedies, and grave difficulties, but she has also experienced love, and beauty, and happiness, and health. She was born in Brazil in 1910, there were no cars, no phones, most houses didn’t have indoor plumbing…. Imagine the life she lived, imagine the wonders she saw, the things she experienced. I’m not sad that she is passing, I’m happy she got the life that she did. And we are here to honor that.

2016 has been a tough year, for many reasons, but I’ve also gotten to travel a lot, I’ve gotten to spend a lot more time with my mother and brother, with my friends, I’ve enjoyed my children.

So I do see the good that balances out the bad, I do. But, if I’m going to be honest, I’d just really like a year with no tragedies. Nothing bad. I would like a year where I don’t have to constantly try to find the good to balance the crap. I would like a break, just for a little while. I’m tired of fighting my stress response, I would like to be able to sit and breath and enjoy all of my blessings calmly and contently.

I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me, but I’m putting it out there, in the universe, an end of the year wish if you will. I’m happy to see 2016 go, because I’m still optimistic enough to hope that 2017 will be better, and I guess that’s a blessing in and of itself.