The if you can’t say something nice… Monday Listicle

Happy Monday. I’m late posting today, I’m a little tired, and my allergies are just plain trying to kill me, so no long preamble for me.  So, as per Stasha’s instructions here is a list of ten (actually nine) compliments.

The ten most bizarre compliments I have ever received.

1. you have the most beautiful hands, are you a hand model? This was a pick-up line by a sleazebag in the center of Rome. I’m pretty sure that, had I let him, he would have segued straight into: why don’t you come up to my apartment so I can take some pictures of your hands… and then quite possibly try to molest you.

2. hmmm, you smell like hay. Hay? Seriously?!

3. you have great teeth. What am I, a horse? And also, I don’t have great teeth, I have straight teeth thanks to my orthodontist, but my teeth are pretty average.

4. you’re so quiet and reflective. I am, indeed, both quiet and reflective, no one could ever possibly accuse me of being the life of the party or a prima donna, but as this was said to me at a dinner party, I’m assuming they meant boring and spaced out.

5. your cooking style is so eclectic and interesting. i.e. gross and inedible. This was said to me by an Italian friend of a friend who only eats Italian food, ideally cooked by her grandmother, not an adventurous person to say the least. That day we had grilled meat, which, though it can be “interesting” at times, it can hardly be called eclectic. I had made a regular lettuce salad and a tomato and mozzarella salad, as well as baked potatoes, we grilled steaks and sausage, I’m not quite sure what she expected to eat at a barbecue.

6. your feet are so big! This was said to me with, I kid you not, a hand clap and squeal at the end. Now, I’ve got, as my mother would say, a very stable base, there’s very little risk that I’ll fall over, my roots are well spread out… my feet are, in fact, on the larger end of the scale for someone my height. That said, they’re not freakishly large or anything, it’s certainly something no one has ever noticed before. In any case, I’m not quite sure exactly why she was so excited about the size of my feet, as far as I know, there’s no correlation between a woman’s feet and the size of her… well, anything in fact, that could possible elicit that much glee.

7. This is the best glass of water anyone’s ever poured me. Truth be told, I’m not quite sure if this person was complimenting me, the glass, or the water therein, in any case, it’s altogether too much complimenting for a glass of water.

8. You write divinely. Well, this one just kind of pissed me off. There’s really no need for hyperbole, I may or may not write well, but divinely? I think not. In fact, I know not, because if I did in fact write “divinely” I’d be a published author now wouldn’t I? Or a very, very religious or illuminated person. I’m none of the above, and frankly I find this misrepresentation of something I actually care about a bit insulting.

9. Mama, you’re so old. This was said with love and something akin to pride in his eyes. I’m perfectly aware that to my four-year old being old is the absolute best thing that you can be, as a lot of the cool things he really wants to do will happen when he’s “older” (like “when I’m older I can ride my bike to school by myself” which gets repeated approximately every hour on the hour at my house) but honestly, there’s no reason to ever say that to a woman. Even if she is your mother. I’m just saying.

I’m capping it at nine cause I can’t remember a tenth. Forgive me?

26 thoughts on “The if you can’t say something nice… Monday Listicle

  1. Wow that number seven was too funny. Maybe that person had a real thing for water…and the guy really had a thing for hands. And you do write great. The person who used divine probably picked a weaker adjective because they don’t.

  2. Number 8 cracked me up! I would have had a similar reaction to that one.

    A guy in a cowboy hat and a pair of broken in Wranglers once threw this on me as a pickup line,, “Honey! You’re as purty as a catfish in shallow water!” It didn’t work.

  3. You’re right. Smelling like hay totally beats mine. But, #4 cracked me up!!! And eclectic? Hilarious! I had someone tell me my home decor was eclectic. Code word for “crap”. I have to keep going. #6 – Funny! My college roommate used to tell me that my legs looked like sticks on skis. (I love her anyway though – she comments on my blog.) Ahhh, these are awesome! Love your list!

  4. Make yourself some tea from nettles for your allergies. My husband was blown away how quickly he felt better when he started having a cup a day. Email me if you want the recipe!

    • Honestly, I think someone should write a book about what pick up lines not to use. Ever. Ever. (I totally need to find out what I’m allergic too, cause this time of year, not a lot going on, pollen-wise)

  5. OMG…I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I’m glad you stopped at nine otherwise I’m sure I would have had to go change my clothes. 😀

    Number 6 just cracked me up. Not really sure why?!?! Maybe because I have the opposite issue…super tiny and wide as in quadruple E. It’s great when I tell people my mother bound my feet when I was small and they believe me. Haaahaaa!

  6. I kinda like smell of hay on a man, in a tank top with cowboy boots on working in the barn…. Where were we?
    Ah yes. These are bizarre. No doubt. i want to taste this famous water!!

    • Hmmm… I’m afraid your hay-smeling, barn-working, tank top-wearing cowboy probably also smells like horse shit… not to burst your bubble or anything…
      (You may have to rely on an altered perception of reality to taste it with the same appreciation level, if you know what I mean…)

  7. Arse backwards compliments. I always wish I could think of one to say back to them but I don’t think of anything clever until the moment is gone!

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