Failing

I’m failing at life today. I’m sitting on my bed right now, crying. I’ve been crying for what feels like forever and I can’t seem to stop.

The reason for my meltdown is a cold shower. The cold shower is due to some electrical work that’s being done, in fits and starts, for the past two years. But the truth is I’m crying for everything else. For this house that has cost me more in terms of money, time and energy than it will ever be worth and I’m still not done, for my dead marriage, for the fact that I’m still in love with the person the Ex used to be, for the fact that I lost my temper and smacked the Boy on his tush harder than I should have, for this life I’m living that isn’t really mine but I don’t know where mine went, for the fact that I recently found out the Girl has a really bad nut allergy and I don’t want to deal with that fear, and I don’t want her to deal with that life, because we’ve been walking on the threshold of death for far too long in this family, for the fact that I’ve got nothing that’s just mine and that makes me happy for no reason and for the fact that I’ve got no one to take care of me and it makes me feel so alone, and for my broken heart, mostly for my broken heart. And that, all of that, is making me sad, just so, so sad, today.

So today I’m failing. Failing at this life I’ve been given, where I smile and act happy, and upbeat, and when the shit hits the fan I paint it gold, and spritz perfume on it so I can sell it as something better than just shitty shitty circumstances, where I justify everything and solve all the problems and sugar coat everything else. Where tomorrow is always better, cause honestly can it be worse? Though it can, it always can, but I close my eyes and stuff my fingers in my ears and pretend that that isn’t true.

I’m failing at this farce of a life, and it doesn’t really make a difference cause failing at it or succeeding at it are two bitterly similar things. Failing just means that tonight I can’t stop crying.

2 thoughts on “Failing

  1. You sweet thing! I’m so sorry your path has been so rocky as of late. You must feel like you are in a never-ending nightmare that won’t stop, but I PROMISE you it will. I just can’t tell you when.

    My family recently went through 7 years of financial hell. Like I-don’t-know-where-our-next-meal-is-coming-from kind of hell. We sold everything we had of value. My engagement ring, my grandmother’s jewelry, china, whatever I had that I could make a buck off of. The real zinger was losing the home that we had poured over 100 grand into during our more affluent days. Everything was gone and with my husband unemployed things seemed like they would never, ever get better. No words can explain the fear I had day in and day out; it destroyed my health I worried so much.

    But you know what? It didn’t destroy ME. I got up every day and thanked the heavens above that I was here another day for my husband and daughter. Just knowing they needed me to love them, feed them, and be their source of sunshine is what kept me going through the times when all I really wanted to do was dig a hole to escape the worry that never seemed to leave.

    I know now, in retrospect, that what kept me going all that time was the times I did allow myself to just cry until there were no more tears left. It really can be cathartic. So you cry, Sister Friend, and then cry some more. Then peel yourself off that floor and go seek some joy…whatever that is to you. Maybe its kisses and cuddles from the kids, or a steaming cup of cocoa, or a piece of pie. Think back to when you were little: what made you happy? What made you excited? Whatever that thing was, do it again, eat it again, watch it again, feel it again. You CAN do this!

    My mom, who has survived cancer 4 times and is the most positive person I know, once told me how she did it: She said life gives us some string and its up to us to find pearls to put on that string. Sometimes during chemo, when she was so, so sick, the only pearl she could find in that day was the bird who sang to her through the window, but she would treasure that moment for the beauty of it, and then put that pearl on her string. When she got in a funk, she would think back to the many, many pearls she had on her string and it would help her realize how blessed she is.

    I know that’s not easy to do when you feel like you are drowning, but if you make the smallest effort to find something, just something, that you can treasure that day, it just might carry through.

    Many blessings to you. Stay strong and know that all the way over here in California someone is sending good thoughts your way!

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